yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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