I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
