Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I touched a dick in church today
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
