I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
