i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
