if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
