the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
