one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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