things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
