Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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