Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
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you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
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I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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