The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
