Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Are we still banned from the library?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
