Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
