9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
