So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
