Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
My vagina just clenched in fear
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