His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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