anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
