I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
