I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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