All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
