literally had 100 drinks last night.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
