Swine flu. Run for my life!
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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