god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
