I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
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She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
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cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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