I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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