I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
