Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
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