he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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