I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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