a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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