I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
