I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
