I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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