so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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