dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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