Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
So squirting runs in the family.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
