She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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