Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
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does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
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If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Randomize