your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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