He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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