her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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