she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
