Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
