please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Randomize
