I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
