so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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