i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
And then my night got REAL pukey
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Randomize
