They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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