im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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