i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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