i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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