He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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