She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
