The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
