All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
