Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
