so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Randomize
