It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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