Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
And the cops told us we were all naked.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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